“I’m using it!” I don’t know how many times a day I
hear this phrase – yelled, called out loudly, emphatically, repeatedly. The
four year-olds sometimes run to teachers with a complaint: “But I was using it!”
Some of the two-year-olds know this phrase, but more often than not, they say
it without words, by clutching the desired toy as tightly as possible.
Sometimes “I’m using it” means, “Don’t take it away from me.” Sometimes it
means “Leave me alone.” Sometimes it means, “I want what you have.” But too
often, instead of addressing the emotional meaning of the child’s words,
teachers respond to any of these situations with lectures and rituals for
sharing.
Sharing isn’t an activity that comes naturally to very
young children. Being able to share objects, materials, and physical
space comes later in early childhood, when children have the cognitive skills
to consider another person’s point of view. Sharing also comes from
relationships. Children who feel secure that their needs will be met, their feelings
will be validated, and that they can trust other children and teachers to treat
them with respect will share when they are ready.
But even knowing this, teachers still push sharing rules on children who are
not ready, not interested, and even adamantly opposed to sharing. “We all share
at school.” “You can use it for two more minutes.” “Do you want to use it for
two minutes or three minutes?” “We have to share with our friends.” Forcing
children to share doesn’t make them more altruistic or more empathetic – it makes
them feel a loss of control and increased stress about their surroundings.
Imagine that you are at a meeting and the person next to you forgot their pen.
They ask you to borrow your pen – but you need your pen for taking notes. How
focused on the meeting can you be while wondering when you’ll get your pen
back, or whether you’ll get it back in time to write down the things you need
to. Imagine if at work, you were using the computer and were told, “Someone
else wants to use it, you need to give it to them in two minutes” – even if you weren’t finished with your work?
If we adults would feel stressed or uncomfortable in these situations, why do
we expect children to feel any differently?
Instead of forcing sharing on children, we can create
environments in which children feel secure that they have what they need and
that their feelings are respected:
1.
Provide enough materials.
A common situation that causes children to argue over
materials or hesitate to share is that there aren’t enough to begin with. When
there is only one of a certain toy, especially a desirable toy, conflict will
often follow. Depending on the toy, the size of the group, the personalities of
the children, and what other activities are available, even two might not be
enough. If there’s an object that always seems to spark “sharing” discussions,
consider ways to provide similar items in the classroom, and if that’s not
possible, consider whether that one single item is really all that necessary to
begin with.
2.
Provide alternatives.
Even with the best intentions, it’s not always
possible to actually provide “enough”, especially since what is “enough”
changes so often based on the situation. One way to work around not having
enough of a particular material is to have multiple attractive materials or
activities available at the same time. Asking, “What do you want to do while
you wait for a turn?”, and being able to provide suggestions (e.g. “While you’re
waiting for a bike, you can go on the swings or dig in the sandbox”) can help
the child focus on something other than the discomfort of waiting.
3.
Allow children to use something until
they are done.
We spend so much of our time trying to “teach” children
the language of turn taking by expecting them to say a number of minutes until
they’ll be done, or by telling them that they have to be done in a certain
number of minutes that the teacher chooses. Linking turns to “how many minutes”
doesn’t make much developmental sense, since young children have a very fluid
sense of time, and can’t accurately judge how much time has passed. A three-year-old
answering “When will you be done?” with “Five minutes” is repeating a phrase,
not making a logical assessment of time. In most cases, telling a child, “Let
her know when you’re done” or “When you’re done it’s his turn” leads to the
child finishing their turn even sooner. Removing the stress that there’s
someone waiting in the wings to take their toy frees children up to be able to
offer the toy, instead of waiting for the allotted time to be up.
4.
Make time reminders visible and concrete.
If
you choose to give children a specific amount of time to finish their turn, use
a timer or other concrete way that they can see when their turn is over.
Knowing that “when the timer goes off, it’s her turn” is easier for children to
accept than an adult simply announcing, “it’s time to give her a turn.” If many
children are waiting for a turn, writing their names on a list can help them
feel control over the process (as adults, we like to know that our names are on
a waiting list too!) The more that the children feel the turns are following a
natural process, instead of being controlled by the teacher, the more willing
they will be to accept the process.
5.
Follow through.
Whatever method you use for taking turns, make sure
that every child gets the turn that they expect or that they were promised. If
you tell a child that they can paint at the easel in five minutes, but five
minutes later announce it’s clean up time, that child’s needs and feelings are
not being respected. It’s also important to measure time accurately. If the
child has five minutes to finish their turn, then give that child the full five
minutes. Even though they can’t tell time yet, children are starting to
recognize the environmental and personal cues that are related to time. If we
want the children to trust that their needs will be met, then we need to be
sure to meet their needs.
In the end, sharing will come from respect and relationships. It will come when they are ready. Until then, we have to accept “I’m using it.”